Yes, tomorrow is the one week anniversary of me burning my lip on a piece of chicken. You see, I buy grilled chicken strips from my grocer's freezer. They are meant to be used for fajitas and salads and whatever you would use strips for, but they are low in fat and precooked. All you have to do is heat them up by whatever means necessary and eat them. I was in a hurry and I microwaved several pieces to eat in a sandwich.
This was my first mistake.
There's no way to know how well or how poorly the microwave cooks things unless you touch it or bite it. I touched it, but it didn't feel that hot. What I forgot was that the microwave cooks things from the inside out, and all those juices inside the chicken were scalding hot. So, when I bit down. . .
Owwee, Owwee, Owwee, Owwee, Owwee!
I had a bad spot on my lip the whole weekend. It traumatized me. I might never be the same. As of this moment, thinking about the one week anniversary, I am eating yogurt. Yogurt cannot hurt me.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
In Honor of the Upcoming Alabama - Auburn Game, Some of My Favorite "Bear" Bryant Quotes
On the old blog, I got a lot of feedback for posting some of Coach Bryant's most inspirational quotations. Luckily for you, dear reader, I found some more, buried in the archives of . . . well, I'm not going to reveal my sources. Viva la inspiration!
"You can't spell champagne without champ. Can't spell it without pain either."
"Someone asked me, 'Coach, can you get drunk from winnin' so much?', and I told them, 'Yessir, I believe you can. From losin' too, but for different reasons'."
"You've got to want to be a champion. Even if you winnin' you ain't doing nothing but pretending your a champion."
"I only met one man wanted to win more than me and that was Richard Nixon. We was visiting the white house once and he told me he'd do anything to win. After Watergate I just shook my head and thought, 'That man's a winnin' sumbitch'."
"I walked up to one of our kickers. He was watching the end of a soccer game. I asked him who won. He said Nothrumhamptonshire something. I tell you, they all looked like losers to me."
"A reporter came up to me once, and then he walked away slow, real slow."
"I'm no soothsayer, but I bet in 25 years this Brent Musberger fellow is going to be one annoying sumbitch."
"I'm not much into hippies, and I bet they can't tackle worth a damn."
"You see, champions come and go, and winners do to, they just do it faster."
"Some kid comes up to me and says, Coach, you're my hero, says he wants to play for me when he gets big. Well, I look him up and down, size him up, and he smiles at me, like children do sometimes. That's when I knew how I was gonna break him."
"Yeah, I've rassled a bear. That's why they call me 'Bear'." And I played tic-tac-toe with a chicken once. This wasn't too long after I rassled that bear. Well, let me tell you, that chicken was a winner. He beat me fair and square. Of course, I'm a champion, so I don't have to tell you what I had for supper that night."
"I once did a special with Bob Hope. We was backstage and this woman comes up to me and starts powdering my face. So, Bob says to me, 'What would people say if they saw you was wearing make-up.' I said, they won't ever know, and if you tell them, I'll make you walk limp for the rest of your life."
"You can't spell champagne without champ. Can't spell it without pain either.""Someone asked me, 'Coach, can you get drunk from winnin' so much?', and I told them, 'Yessir, I believe you can. From losin' too, but for different reasons'."
"You've got to want to be a champion. Even if you winnin' you ain't doing nothing but pretending your a champion."
"I only met one man wanted to win more than me and that was Richard Nixon. We was visiting the white house once and he told me he'd do anything to win. After Watergate I just shook my head and thought, 'That man's a winnin' sumbitch'."
"I walked up to one of our kickers. He was watching the end of a soccer game. I asked him who won. He said Nothrumhamptonshire something. I tell you, they all looked like losers to me."
"A reporter came up to me once, and then he walked away slow, real slow."
"I'm no soothsayer, but I bet in 25 years this Brent Musberger fellow is going to be one annoying sumbitch."
"I'm not much into hippies, and I bet they can't tackle worth a damn."
"You see, champions come and go, and winners do to, they just do it faster."
"Some kid comes up to me and says, Coach, you're my hero, says he wants to play for me when he gets big. Well, I look him up and down, size him up, and he smiles at me, like children do sometimes. That's when I knew how I was gonna break him."
"Yeah, I've rassled a bear. That's why they call me 'Bear'." And I played tic-tac-toe with a chicken once. This wasn't too long after I rassled that bear. Well, let me tell you, that chicken was a winner. He beat me fair and square. Of course, I'm a champion, so I don't have to tell you what I had for supper that night."
"I once did a special with Bob Hope. We was backstage and this woman comes up to me and starts powdering my face. So, Bob says to me, 'What would people say if they saw you was wearing make-up.' I said, they won't ever know, and if you tell them, I'll make you walk limp for the rest of your life."
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Notes on a Morning Run
It wasn't as cold as I expected this morning.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, there are at least 75 fast food joints on my morning run, and from the time I finished to the time I began typing this out 3 more have sprung up. I'm not even sure what all of their names are: Sloppy Joe's, Miracle Burger, Nina Simone's Two-Fisted Tater-Tot Emporium. They are wide and varied and I should sue them for contributing to the Karo syrup-thick blood that runs through my heart.
They put on a Fall Festival at the First Baptist Church. When I passed it this morning they still had a few rides out. A throw-away joke to my girlfriend last weekend as we walked the streets of her quiet Florida town: "Why don't they ever call churches Last Baptist Church." It's not necessarily meant to be funny but to create an air of lunacy and wackiness. I'm quite lucky she hasn't left me for a straight-man. I stand by the joke. It's layered.
I was ready to give out at about mile two. Something told me to keep going. Luckily, I know my body pretty well, and I knew that because I'd began my run at a slower pace then I could find my way to the finish without having to walk. It's good to know your body.
I didn't see any crows on my run. This is unusual because they are usually hanging out, taunting me. They want me to die of a heart attack. Not yet, dear friends. Not yet.
I thought about adding posts to my film blog while I was running. Mainly, because I only have two posts on it, but secondly because I see a lot of good films that need attention. Why, just a few weeks ago I watched Norma Rae. That Sally Field is cute little fire-plug of a girl. Half girl, half midget.
I hate Rock The Vote campaigns. If people have to pressure you into voting then you don't need to be voting. The Decemberists have promised to perform a concert at the university that signs up the most voters. You know, I like The Decemberists, but unless they find people to wake these lazy assess up and get them to the polling place then the voter drive was worthless. Studies show that young voters are silent on election day.
When the sun is behind me on my runs, I can see my muppet hair in my shadow. Muppet hair isn't something to be proud of. I must leave now to get Leon to cut it down for me. Leon is an artist.
Nader '08.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, there are at least 75 fast food joints on my morning run, and from the time I finished to the time I began typing this out 3 more have sprung up. I'm not even sure what all of their names are: Sloppy Joe's, Miracle Burger, Nina Simone's Two-Fisted Tater-Tot Emporium. They are wide and varied and I should sue them for contributing to the Karo syrup-thick blood that runs through my heart.
They put on a Fall Festival at the First Baptist Church. When I passed it this morning they still had a few rides out. A throw-away joke to my girlfriend last weekend as we walked the streets of her quiet Florida town: "Why don't they ever call churches Last Baptist Church." It's not necessarily meant to be funny but to create an air of lunacy and wackiness. I'm quite lucky she hasn't left me for a straight-man. I stand by the joke. It's layered.
I was ready to give out at about mile two. Something told me to keep going. Luckily, I know my body pretty well, and I knew that because I'd began my run at a slower pace then I could find my way to the finish without having to walk. It's good to know your body.
I didn't see any crows on my run. This is unusual because they are usually hanging out, taunting me. They want me to die of a heart attack. Not yet, dear friends. Not yet.
I thought about adding posts to my film blog while I was running. Mainly, because I only have two posts on it, but secondly because I see a lot of good films that need attention. Why, just a few weeks ago I watched Norma Rae. That Sally Field is cute little fire-plug of a girl. Half girl, half midget.
I hate Rock The Vote campaigns. If people have to pressure you into voting then you don't need to be voting. The Decemberists have promised to perform a concert at the university that signs up the most voters. You know, I like The Decemberists, but unless they find people to wake these lazy assess up and get them to the polling place then the voter drive was worthless. Studies show that young voters are silent on election day.
When the sun is behind me on my runs, I can see my muppet hair in my shadow. Muppet hair isn't something to be proud of. I must leave now to get Leon to cut it down for me. Leon is an artist.
Nader '08.
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