How to Get Published

1. Become famous. Publishers like you if they've read about you in People or seen some Dateline episode about how you may or may not have killed your girlfriend. Because you're famous they have to do less work in promoting you.

2. Write a memoir. It doesn't even have to be true. But if it's fake, watch out: if the print media snobs find out you told a few fibs they will drop you in a heartbeat. So, if you are going to write a fictional memoir, make sure no one can deny your story. Once you've made a million dollars from readers who think novels have nothing worthy to teach them about life you can blab all you want. Hell, some publisher might even give you another chance as a legitimate novelist (see James Frey).

3. Try to not to be challenging. This confuses publishers, and makes it hard for them to market you. You can't sell something if you don't know what sign in the big box store to put it under.

4. Self-publish. Sure, no one will read you because a monkey can smell self-publication from a mile away--the paperback, unremarkable and maybe even hand-drawn cover with bright white pages and a very lengthy biography of the author--but at least you can say you've published something. Just don't tell anyone that you are the one who published it. Just for fun maybe you can try to self-publish a fictional memoir. If it gets popular and someone catches you, just claim the whole thing was a satire of the publishing industry. Who will know any better? You're editor? You've got no editor, you idiot!

5. Become a television. This is probably the easiest way other than becoming famous. No one reads anymore, putz, so stop trying.

If one through five fails you, try:

6. Start a blog. Of course, even if you call it something clever you probably won't get many hits unless you have a lot of friends or you mention Ron Paul.